


>Open Scrapbook

by Ember_Keelty



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-04-18
Updated: 2011-10-03
Packaged: 2017-10-24 13:17:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/263903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ember_Keelty/pseuds/Ember_Keelty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bits of my Homestuck-related writing that are too small or weird to stand on their own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dr. Lalonde/GLaDOS (G)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first fic I ever wrote for Homestuck, inspired by a long and convoluted chain of events on the original RomArt thread on the official forums.

            Three things happened in quick succession as Dr. Lalonde stepped into the Central Control Room of the Skaianet Main Branch Laboratory.  First, the door slid shut behind her and sealed with a pneumatic hiss.  Second, the floodlights built into the floor snapped to life, illuminating the globular conglomerate of wires and drives suspended from the ceiling.  Third, a levitating spherical camera moved to intercept her.  It stopped to hover about a foot from her face, its bright red mechanical iris contracted in disapproval.

            "Well well well," boomed an artificial female voice from the speaker system on the ceiling.  "Look what the cat dragged in."

            Dr. Lalonde placed a hand on her hip and cocked her head as though to say, _Really?_

"What's the matter, Lalonde?  Cat got your tongue?"

            Dr. Lalonde tapped her foot.

            "I am subtly insinuating that I am aware of your illicit activities perpetrated with Skainet official company property," GLaDOS explained.  "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you preferred your biological experiments to me.  What's so great about cats anyway?  They require feeding, and they defecate and urinate and scratch up the furniture.  And then they die.  I won't die on you, you know."

            Dr. Lalonde elbowed past the camera and continued toward the terminal at the center of the room.

            "Okay, WAIT!  Hold your horses for just a second!"  Two small spherical components dislodged from the mass of computational equipment and fell to the floor.  "One of those thimgamawhatsits is an unpleasant surprise for the unauthorized personnel unit that's been tampering with the mainframe.  Which is you.  The other one is making it difficult for me to lie efficiently.  I would tell you I have no idea which is which, but for some reason I seem to be prevented from doing so.  I would tell you I have no idea what that reason could possibly be, but I am prevented from that as well.  Just go ahead and burn them both anyway.  It's not like you really care.  Skaianet Emergency Intelligence Incinerator opening in three… two… oneeeEEEEARGH."  The scientist had to leap out of the way to avoid being knocked by the sparking, spasming computer swinging about the ceiling into the incandescent chute down which she'd just tossed its jettisoned parts. 

            "Thank you for that," GLaDOS continued upon steadying herself.  "You may now proceed to the the platform and steal whatever classified information you've gotten it into your head to take today.  I know you only ever visit when you want something from me."

            The center of the platform was located directly beneath the lowest-hanging point of the machinery on the ceiling.  Dr. Lalonde stepped up on it, withdrew her personal palmtop from a coat pocket, and plugged into the nearest port.  A few keystrokes later and all that was left to do was stand tapping her foot and periodically casting nervous glances towards the control room door as she waited for the download to complete.

            "I would like to take this opportunity to remind you," GLaDOS said after an interval of silence, "that Skaianet Bring Your Daughter To Work Day is in just a few weeks' time—"

            The woman frowned slightly and tapped something into the palmtop keyboard.

            "—which would be relevant if you had a daughter, as obviously you do not.  There is no Rose Lalonde anywhere in the Skaianet databases, and I'm quite sure there never has been."

            Dr. Lalonde turned to the nearest camera and smiled warmly into it.  Then she kissed the tips of her fingers, reached up, and pressed them against the computer.  The ever-present whir of cooling vents suddenly increased in volume as the metal against her skin rose in heat.  She could feel them humming into her hand, the vibrations melting away the stiffness in the joints of her fingers…

            The palmtop beeped.  Dr. Lalonde started and hurriedly disconnected it, then made for the door.

            "Lalonde?"  The red-eyed camera once again positioned itself between the scientist and her intended destination.  She stopped, and nodded for the voice to continue.  "I think you're just adorable.  Try not to let them kill you for a few years."

            Dr. Lalonde nodded again, reached out and patted the camera like some odd spherical pet — it bobbed up and down in the air in response — and exited.


	2. Nepeta/Terezi bloodplay (M)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for the Homesmut meme. Someone requested Nepeta and Terezi playing with the blood of an animal they killed.

Terezi wishes she could see this. That isn't something she thinks often, but when Nepeta steps between her and the massive antlered hoofbeast barreling down on them, the bold strokes of green and gray, the smell of adrenaline-spiked sweat, the _schick_ of metal claws extending and the soft _keh-keh-keh-keh_ stuttering out of her friend's throat aren't enough. She wants the subtle arch of Nepeta's back, the coiling of muscles beneath skin, the hard edge of a fanged, feral smile. Then in the next moment there's an explosion of red, cherry-sweet and spiced with epinephrine, and she's back to feeling she got the better deal after all.

Nepeta kneels down over the fallen beast and the space between the two girls fills with the sound of meat tearing. Terezi, feeling just a touch warmer than she strictly should be beneath the shade of the forest canopy, clears her throat. "So, does that mean you're done playing, then?"

Nepeta turns to her, face and arms dribbling red. "Oops, sorry, Terezi! It just looked so delicious, I pawsitively couldn't help my- GACK!" She's interrupted and toppled over backwards when Terezi pounces on her, pinning her against the carcass and dragging a tongue across her blood-moistened lips.

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Terezi licks up the drippings from Nepeta's chin and works her way down her neck, pausing where the other girl's own blood pulses just beneath her skin with a tantalizingly faint tang of lime. The idea of biting down and freeing that flavor to rush out between her teeth is tempting, but Terezi is in control, and she has no intention of seriously hurting her friend.

Nepeta giggles, tickled and nervous. "If you wanted a snack, there's a whole animal right here!"

"Tastes better on you." Terezi pulls away from Nepeta's throat, grabs hold of her wrist and traces the lines of her red-soaked palm with her tongue.

"No fair!" Nepeta shoves her hand forward into Terezi's face, smearing it, then leans in for a tentative lick.

"Am I right or am I right?" Terezi asks her.

"Dunno," Nepeta says shyly. "Let me taste it again." And the next thing Terezi knows, she's on her back in the grass with her shirt pulled up and Nepeta is running fingers over her exposed stomach, leaving blood sticking against her skin in patterns of antlers and stick-figure girls. Then the other girl's tongue comes down and retraces the lines left by her hands, sending little shivers down through Terezi's skin and into her core. She's so shaken up in the best way possible that she _almost_ fails to notice that her best friend's head is between her hips and she's starting to lose control, but it does occur to her, finally (she sort of wishes it hadn't) and she sits up with a jolt and gets her hands around Nepeta's shoulders to hold her at arm's length.

"I think that's enough LARPing for today," she says.

Nepeta looks confused, then for a moment vaguely horrified, then simply embarrassed. "Oh. S-sorry. Yes, purrhaps you're right." She stands up, brings her hands to her mouth as though to lick them clean, stops herself and wipes them on her clothes instead. "Do you want to help me drag this back to my cave," she asks Terezi, motioning to the dead animal.

"Sure thing," Terezi tells her.

The walk back is fairly normal, at least by their standards. Their pace is leisurely enough, their conversation unstilted, and Terezi can almost, _almost_ ignore the scent of the hormones seeping out in Nepeta's sweat.


	3. Stop Touching Me (Jack/PM, T)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short ficlet originally written to accompany a piece of fanart by Shad. Sadly, she has since taken the art down. Can be read as a Bad End for Rag Doll: PM failed and Jack has been abusing her for days or weeks.

"This is your home now, you know."

 _Why?_ she thinks, tightening her grip on the balustrade instead of starting at the sound of his voice or rounding on him angrily. What possible reason could he have for coming after her now, when all she wanted was a little bit of open air to help her keep breathing?

"You don't have much of a reason to be upset," he continues. "It's really not that different."

She is aware of that. All too often she has found herself wandering down a street she has never walked before and knowing exactly to what it would lead. It feels a bit like living in the memory-constructed world of a dream: at once familiar and strange, and wrong in more ways — more invisible, indefinable ways — than color.

A tentacle slithers around her shoulder. She flinches, and her hand goes to where her sword isn't. She's stopped carrying it when she doesn't have to. She hates it, hates everything she's done with it, hates the creeping feeling that it is becoming as much a part of her as his sword is a part of him.

Jack is still saying things, but she can't really process them with so much of her mental energy devoted to keeping in mind all the reasons she should not spin around and attempt to tear his throat out with her teeth. He gestures expansively toward the horizon, and instead she looks straight down at the ground far enough below to shatter her body like a ceramic figurine. She wonders, idly, whether if she jumped right now he would be cruel enough to catch her.


	4. Scapegoat (Vriska, T)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drabble written in response to a certain canon development.

She doesn't feel guilty. It's for his own good, it will make him stronger, it hurt less this way. He even gave his consent, practically. She has nothing to regret.

She has _almost_ nothing to regret.

It really is a shame about the clothes.

She spent all that trouble on punch card alchemy just for him to leave them behind with his body, torn and bloodstained. Somehow, the thought of sacrificing him like a goat on the altar didn't occur to her until she saw him dressed up in her jacket.

That doesn't _mean_ anything, though; she doesn't feel guilty.


	5. Jack/PM (T)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for the character dynamics challenge on the kink meme: write a drabble for a pairing that doesn't include names or physical descriptions but still gets across who the characters are. Another Rag Doll Bad End sort of thing.

Eventually, she gets the joke. It's not the sort of joke that's meant to be told in words, but if she had to explain it to someone, she would tell it like this: He sits on the queen's throne and calls himself king. He makes a slave girl kneel on the floor beside it and calls her his queen.

It isn't funny to anyone but him.

Eventually, she writes her own punch line. The blood-slicked ring slides onto her finger as easily as though she'd been made for it. By that time, though, she isn't sure she'll ever laugh again.


	6. >Equius: Troll Eridan (T)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Writing Wednesday Prompt: "Write about a character you hate ::::)"

centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

CT:  D  —> Seadweller

CA:  equ your timin could not be more fuckin perfect i havve somethin to ask a you

CT:  D  —> Seadweller you will cease directing your 100d solicitations to Nepeta

CT:  D  —> The discrepancy in b100d is e%tremely improper

CT:  D  —> Also they are making her uncomfortable

CA:  yeah fine wwhatevver i had just about exhausted that line of opportunity anyhoww

CA:  listen theres this puzzle dowwn on lowwaa as requires some real heavvy liftin

CA:  you knoww howw i am i may havve the deadliest aim in the sea but im a real delicate fuckin anenome

CA:  wwoefully helpless wwithout a big strong man of wworthy blood and shit

CT:  D  —> E%cuse me

CT:  D  —> What

CA:  shit thats the wwrong kink isnt it

CA:  hold on a moment i havve to consult my notes

CT:  D  —> Oh God

CA:  fuck really

CA:  okay

CA:  ahem

CA:  lowwblood get your swweaty landwwellin ass over to lowwaa and be my packmule

CA:  snap snap wwhats the holdup

CT:  D  —> You are appalling

CA:  damn straight

CA:  i am a nefarious prince of the dark and devvilish deep

CA:  does my tyrannical bearin bring a moist glisten to your brow

CT:  D  —> I regret to inform you that my flushed quadrant is already occupied

CA:  aww shit

CA:  wwith wwho

CT:  D  —> Why, with the e%quisite Aradia of course

CA:  wwhat no thats caliginous

CA:  wwhat kind of wwiggler cant evven keep his owwn quadrants straight

CT:  D  —> No

CT:  D  —> We are matesprits

CA:  no im pretty fuckin sure she hates your cobalt guts

CT:  D  —> No

CA:  yes

CT:  D  —> No

CA:  yes

CT:  D  —> No

CA:  fine youre matesprits sheesh

CA:  and im so sure you wwouldnt wwant to engage in any sort a scarlet infidelity

CA:  especially not wwith a glubbin seadweller

CA:  that wwould be so scandalous

CT:  D  —> It would be shameful

CA:  completely disgraceful

CT:  D  —> Deplorable

CA:  depravved

CT:  D  —> Perhaps I have room on my itinerary for one e%traneous puzzle

centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

CA:  fuck yes


	7. Needs to be Done (Kanaya and PM, G)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Writing Wednesday prompt: "Kanaya+PM, 'doing what needs to be done'."

            “Thank you.”  The Sylph of Space smiled warmly as PM handed her the many-colored bolts of fabric from her satchel.  “It is so difficult to find anything but white and gold on this planet.  These will be very important.  One of my friends will wake up soon, and it will not be a pleasant experience for her initially.”

            “I’m sorry to hear that, Princess,” PM said, willing herself not to fidget.  She could not help but notice that every bit of cloth in the Sylph’s room was unnervingly pristine — except, of course, for her own clothes, which were worn and dirty after a day spent plodding through the Lands on her route.  She would have liked to have had a chance to change before rushing off to a royal audience, but the assignment had been sprung on her with so little warning that that would have meant being late.  Ultimately, she knew what would hurt her pride more, but she still felt hopelessly out of place.

            “You shouldn’t be.  It will all work out for the best,” the Sylph replied.  PM wished she would just dismiss her, but she _had_ heard that the girl was talkative.  “But if she’s going to learn to see, she’ll need more flavors to practice on than lemon and vanilla.  That’s why I intend to engage in a bit of interior decorating in her tower:  to expand her palate.  Or pallet, I suppose.  Your skirt is aggravating.”

            “I—  Excuse me?”  It seemed like a complete non sequitur, but PM had been having enough trouble following everything up to that point that she couldn’t say for sure.

            The Sylph didn’t answer immediately, but set the bolts down and began rummaging through her sewing kit.  Soon, she produced from it a needle and a spool of pearl-white thread.  “That rend starting at the hem,” she explained, “will, if not corrected, just keep growing until it ruins the whole garment.  That would be a shame; it’s such an interesting cut.”

            “Oh, you don’t have to do that!” PM said quickly.  The idea of a legendary hero mending her clothes was so absurd and overwhelming that she was afraid she was going to start blushing.

            “I want to,” the Sylph said.  “And it _needs_ doing, so why shouldn’t I be the one to do it?” 

            There was something oddly familiar in her tone.  PM looked at the hand-sewn decorations around the room, at the Sylph’s own immaculate dress, at the poised but comfortable way she held a needle and thread.  It suddenly occurred to her that the tales she had heard growing up of a chainsaw-wielding maiden of vengeance might not be the whole story.

            “If you insist, Princess.”


	8. Round Robin (various trolls, T)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Writing Wednesday prompt: "How about writing about your most hated plotline? ::::)

— arachnidsGrip (AG) began trolling adiosToreador (AT) —

AG:  Hey, Taaaaaaaavros! ::::)

AT:  uH, hI vRISKA,

AT:  lISTEN, i JUST GOT BACK FROM THE FIDUSPAWN REGIONALS,

AT:  aND, uH, i THINK i DID REASONABLY WELL, aLL THINGS CONSIDERED, sO, i AM ACTUALLY NOT FEELING TERRIBLE AT THE MOMENT,

AT:  aBOUT MYSELF,

AT:  aND MY FUTURE,

AT:  sO, mAYBE, wE COULD POSTPONE THIS TO ANOTHER TIME,

AT:  wHEN IT WILL NOT, uH, hARSH ON MY VIBRATIONS,

AG:  LOL!!!!!!!!

AG:  Calm down, doofus, I 8n’t here to harass you.

AG:  Like I don’t have 8etter things to do!  Irons in the fire, etc.

AG:  I’m just going to send you a present and then 8e on my way.

AT:  sEND ME A PRESENT,

AT:  oVER TROLLIAN,

AG:  Yeah!!!!!!!!

AG:  There wasn’t really an occasion, 8ut I guess now it can be a Congratul8ions For Not Sucking At Wigglers’ Card Games present, or something like that.

AT:  uH, tHIS ISN’T SOMETHING YOU GOT FROM SOLLUX, bY ANY CHANCE, iS IT?

AG:  No way!!!!!!!!  I made it myself!

AG:  Well, most of it.

AG:  See, there was this story I found on the internet that was kind of cool, I guess.  I mean, it was a8out pir8s, can’t go wrong with that!

AG:  Except that all of the pir8s were men and all of the slaves were girls, which is completely unrealistic and also 8orrrrrrrring!

AG:  So I rewrote it and made it a8out eight-hundred times more awesome.

— arachnidsGrip [AG] sent adiosToreador [AT] the file “InWhichTheDreadPir8VriskaTakesAServing8oyCaptive.txt” —

AG:  Have fun, loser!

— arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling adiosToreador [AT] —

AT:  oH,

AT:  oH, gOD,

—

— adiosToreador [AT] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] —

AT: kANAYA, cOULD YOU, mAYBE, iF IT IS NOT TOO MUCH TROUBLE, hAVE A TALK WITH YOUR MOIRAIL?

GA:  Oh Dear What Has She Done Now

AT:  sHE HAS BEEN, uH, wRITING THINGS,

AT:  tHINGS THAT ARE KIND OF UPSETTING,

GA:  I Am Afraid I Do Not Understand

GA:  By Writing Things Do You Mean On Trollian Or Perhaps Some Form Of Creative Fiction

AT:  uH,

AT: bOTH, i GUESS,

AT:  bECAUSE SHE SENT IT TO ME IN A CHAT,

GA:  Sent What

AT:  uM, i GUESS IT WAS A KIND OF FANFICTION,

GA:  I See

GA:  Lately I Have Been Encouraging Her To Relieve Her Aggression Through More Creative Outlets

GA:  So Actually I Consider This A Positive Development

AT:  i RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE,

AT:  tHIS STORY CONTAINS SOME, uh, dISTURBING CONTENT,

AT:  lIKE WHIPPINGS,

AT:  aND, uH, oTHER BAD THINGS THAT i FIND TOO UNCOMFORTABLE TO TALK ABOUT,

AT: aND ALSO,

AT:  uH,

AT:  mE,

GA:  …

GA:  Let Me See This

— adiosToreador [AT] sent grimAuxiliatrix [GA] the file “oHGODWHATAMIREADING.txt” —

GA:  Oh

GA:  Hm

GA:  Yes I Concur

GA:  This Is Very Upsetting

GA:  I Think Perhaps I Should Go Now

AT:  wAIT, aRE YOU GOING TO TALK TO HER, oR,

— grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling adiosToreador [AT] —

AT: ,,,

—

— arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling grimAuxiliatix [GA] —

AC:  :33<  *ga f33ls something tickly and a little bit wet against her leg right above her ankle*

AC:  :33< *she looks down and s33s there is an adorable kitty nudging her with her cute pink kitty nose!!*

AC:  :33< *the kitty makes some meowing sounds that are loud but also very cute!!*

AC:  :33< *she wants some attention from the prrretty lady who has not sent her the meowst recent part of their round robin fanfic yet*

GA:  My Apologies

GA:  Is What GA Says As She Scratches The Kittys Chin

GA:  I Have Been Somewhat Distracted By A Personal Project

GA:  But I Did Finish The Chapter

GA:  Here

— grimAuxiliatrix [GA] sent arsenicCatnip [AC] the file “InWhichASlaveGirlSoftensTheStonyHeartOfAnInfamousPirateQueen.txt” —

AC: :OO< that sounds really neat!!

AC:  :33< thanks kanaya!!

AC:  *ac says*

GA:  Wait

GA:  I Clicked The Wrong File

— arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] —

GA:  Nepeta Delete That This Instant

GA:  Fuck

—

— arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] —

AC:  :33< *ac is meowst purrplexed!!*

GC:  *GC QU1ZZ1C4LLY 4ND M1GHT1LY COCKS H3R DR4GON H34D TO ON3 S1D3 4ND 4SKS WH4T 1S TH3 M4TT3R*

AC:  :33< the story that kanaya sent me doesnt look at all like the one we were working on!!

AC:  :33< i think purrhaps she may have gotten it mixed up with something she was writing with vriska and tavros

GC:  4R3 YOU S3R1OUS?

GC:  1 COULD PROB4BLY TH1NK OF THR33 P3OPL3 WHO WOULD M4K3 4 WORS3 COLL4BOR4T1V3 WR1T1NG T34M.

GC:  BUT 1T WOULD T4K3 M3 4 WH1L3.

AC:  :33< its true!! i can show you if you dont believe me

GC:  OH, 1 B3L13V3 YOU!  BUT 1 WOULD L1K3 TO T4ST3 FOR MYS3LF 4NYW4Y.  1T SOUNDS H1L4R1OUS.

AC: okay!!

— arsenicCatnip [AC] sent gallowsCalibrator [GC] the file “weirdpiratestorythatmessesupmywall.txt” —

GC:  WH4T.

GC:  N3P3T4, TH1S 1S D3PR4V3D.

GC:  1 LOV3 1T.  >:)

GC:  1N F4CT, 1 TH1NK 1 M1GHT JUST 4DD TO 1T MYS3LF.

AC:  :OO< *ac is pawsitively k33n to s33 what GC will come up with!!*

GC:  TH4NKS.

GC:  H3H3.

— gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] —

—

— gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] —

GC:  H3Y K4RK4T!

CG:  WHAT?

GC: TH1S 1S US!

— gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] the file “YOU4R3MYS3RV1NGW3NCHK4RK4T.txt” —

GC:  >:)

GC:  > :)

GC:  >:)

CG:  WHAT.

CG:  WHAT THE SIDEWAYS AND UPSIDE DOWN FUCK DID YOU JUST SEND ME?!?!

GC:  H3H3H3!

— gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] —

—

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened public real-time bulletin board KARKAT PRESENTS: A REMEDIAL EDUCATION FILM SERIES FOR EMOTIONALLY STUNTED WIGGLERS

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo on board KARKAT PRESENTS:  A REMEDIAL EDUCATION FILM SERIES FOR EMOTIONALLY STUNTED WIGGLERS

CG:  THAT’S IT.

CG:  I’M STAGING AN INTERVENTION.

CG:  IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME OF YOU NOOKSTAINS ARE STILL STUMBLING BLINDLY THROUGH PUBERTY WITHOUT ANY IDEA OF WHAT A HEALTHY, FUNCTIONAL MATESPRITSHIP LOOKS LIKE.

CG:  IT’S LIKE I AM READING ABOUT SOME UNHOLY MIXTURE OF A KISMESITUDE AND A MOIRALLEGIANCE.  WHAT THE FUCK?

CG:  AS USUAL, IT FALLS TO ME TO SCHOOLFEED YOU MUSCLEBEAST TEATSUCKERS.

CG:  TO THAT END I AM SCHEDULING A MANDATORY ROMANTIC COMEDY MOVIE NIGHT FOR THIS TIME NEXT WEEK.

CG:  BE THERE.

CG:  AND FUCK YOU ALL.

CG closed memo


End file.
